Physical Examination
by Shadow of a Sparkling Angel
Summary: ONESHOT. It is that time of year again, and our favourite Chibi Alchemist is reluctant, as expected, to let his . . . lack of growth . . . be confirmed once again. Envy, though, just might be able to help with that. Yaoi. Ed/Envy.


**Warning: **Yaoi, and a _little_ bit of strong language. That's pretty much it.

A/N: This is inspired by a series of ten Edvy prompts I read. One of the prompts was about Ed going for his yearly physical exam, and a hiding plotbunny jumped me from there. I'm not quite used to writing yaoi just yet, so I hope this doesn't suck too bad.

Note: Just like before, this isn't thoroughly edited (but it is proofread), 'cause my assistant editor hates yaoi.

**Disclaimer: **I don't own Fullmetal Alchemist.

**Physical Examination**

Edward Elric—Fullmetal Alchemist and youngest (coughshortestcough) ever known to join the military—bounced his leg up and down, tapping his automail fingers nervously on the armrest of the chair he was occupying.

Next to him, Envy—the very same homunculus that had once been his archenemy—stared at the bouncing leg, eye twitching in annoyance every now and again at the consistent metallic drumming of Ed's metal fingers on the metal armrest.

Up and down and up and down and up—tickticktickticktick—and up and down and up and down and—ticktickticktick—down and up and down—ticktickticktick—up—tick—down—tick—

It was getting on Envy's damned nerves.

Almost in response to Envy's irritation, the bouncing and tapping abruptly cut off as Ed ceased the movements simultaneously, and Envy side inwardly in relief.

Feeling better now that he was less likely to kill the first person that so much as looked at him wrong because of annoyance alone, Envy glanced at the alchemist next to him's face, wondering at the reason for his sudden stillness. He found nothing, though; only Ed looking thoughtfully out of the window, nibbling absentmindedly on the nails of his left hand.

Curious, the sin tried to follow his gaze, but saw nothing of real interest. He was about to voice his curiosity when a kind voice called out, "Jean Havoc? You're next."

—and the movement started all over again.

Envy's eye twitched—up and down and up and down and—his hands balled up into fists in an attempt not to kill something—ticktickticktick—and his teeth bared as he tried not to scream out in frustration—tickuptickdowntickuptickdown—

"For fuck's sake, pipsqueak," he finally snapped, "knock it off."

The young alchemist bristled, his shoulders tensing. Envy felt the temperature drop by at least five degrees. _At least he stopped making that damned noise_, he thought, mentally preparing himself for the outbreak.

"WHO ARE YOU CALLING SO SHORT THE DOCTOR'S MAGNIFYING GLASS IS GONNA NEED A MAGNIFYING GLASS TO EXAMINE HIM?!"

Ah, there is was. Envy was proud to say that he was fully prepared and totally unsurprised.

"You, obviously," he said with a smirk. "Do you see anyone else within the vicinity?"

Minus another ten degrees. Envy was still smirking.

"WHO ARE YOU CALLING SO SHORT YOU CANT'S SEE IF HE'S WITHIN THE VICINITY OR NOT BECAUSE HE'S SO DAMNED SMALL?!"

The smirk widened. "What, your brain match your size now? Too _pea-sized _to figure it out yourself?'

Ed's face was red in fury now, hair standing on end in impressively reigned in anger.

"WHO ARE YOU CALLING—"

"Shh!" the quick sharp hiss from the receptionist that was seated at her table in the waiting room cut him off, breaking through Envy's entertainment. Ed threw her a glare, which she returned without so much as flinching. _Impressive . . ._

A sigh from his companion distracted Envy from his respect of the receptionist's lack of fear of the chibi's heated glare, and he glanced down at said chibi. He was looking down at his now interlaced fingers, frowning. The fire from his previous outburst had already flickered out, leaving him deflated with dejection.

"Ne, Edo," Envy asked, slumping back in his chair and lolling his head in the alchemist's direction. "Everything alright?"

Ed shot the sin a glare and muttered something under his breath. Before he could be asked to repeat his words, he said, "Envy, what are you doing here?"

Envy put on a mock-shocked face, gripping his chest dramatically. "Chibi!" he cried out, loud enough to attract another dirty look from the receptionist. "Do you not want me here?"

The younger boy glared at the jibe at his height. "As a matter of fact, no. Please leave."

"Can't do that, Edo~" came the sing-song reply. "Your brother specifically asked me to watch over you during the examination since he's busy."

Al-wiki TranslationTM: Make sure that Edward actually goes through with it.

"Great," Ed said, leaning his head back to rest against the chair with his eyes closed. "That means you don't need to be here. Goodbye, Envy."

Envy smirked. _If he thinks that I'm gonna let myself pass up the chance to see _this_, then his brain must be smaller than I thought._

With a supressed snicker, Envy turned his whole body in the alchemist's direction (albeit awkwardly, due to the armrest that was limiting his moving space) and reclined his head against his hands as he kicked his feet up and rested them tauntingly on his companion's lap. "I'm not going anywhere, Chibi," he said, eyes half-lidded so that they could seem closed even as he was still watching for the reaction his antics were bound to get.

Ed scowled, opening his eyes to glare at Envy. "Gerroff me, you retard," he said as he shoved the homunculus's feet off of his lap. "And get out of here. They're not gonna let you in, anyway, since you're neither my guardian nor a family member."

Envy wiggled his eyebrows, unaffected by the rough treatment his feet had gotten. "Special permission," he said with a smirk, which Ed returned with a scowl.

Before he could say anything, though, the nurse from before came back glancing down at her clipboard.

"Edward Elric?" she called, looking over the waiting patients.

Ed froze, shrinking back into his chair, making himself seem even smaller than he already was.

Feeling spiteful, Envy lifted his hand to get the nurse's attention and pointed to Ed. "Here," he said cheerfully.

"Screw you," Ed snarled under his breath as he got up in response to the nurse's encouraging nod and smile. Moodily, he stalked after her down the hall to the examination room, while Envy followed him, snickering.

"Alright, Mr Elric," the nurse began, heading over to a table where there was a whole series of medical objects. Ed followed grudgingly, glaring around the room as he did.

In sharp contrast to his chibi, the sin strolled in cheerfully after him, almost falling over when said chibi stopped dead in his tracks, eyes wide as he stared straight ahead to something.

The measuring stick against the wall that would confirm whether or not he had grown within the last year.

Fully prepared to be taunted for the rest of his life by various people (i.e. Envy, Al) for running with his tail between his legs, Ed turned, about to make a break for it—

—when long, thin, pale arms caught him.

"Oh, no you don't," said Envy, turning him back around and pushing him roughly toward the nurse, who paused in whatever she was writing on the clipboard to smile up at him.

"If you could just take your shirt off and step over here, Mr Elric," she said, pulling measuring tape out from a drawer.

Ed groaned quietly, closing his eyes against the lecherous look that he knew, even without looking, Envy was directing at him. Trying to keep his back turned toward the sin, he shrugged out of his scarlet cloak before pulling off his black shirt so that he could be properly examined.

Envy licked his lips, staring shamelessly at the alchemist's turned back, perfectly smooth save for the occasional scar that marred the even skin. He cocked his head to the side, watching as Ed tilted a little so that the nurse could measure him, admiring the glimpse of flat, strong stomach that was visible for his lecherous eyes to ogle. When the nurse instructed him to do something, Ed obeyed, whatever it is he had to do revealing a pinch more of his chest; he could now see the scarred tissue of his shoulder where the automail ended, as well as the muscled abs and strong left shoulder—

In that moment, Ed glanced over at Envy, who had a feral, absolutely hungry look on his face. The younger boy's face flamed.

Finally, after the nurse let him go to write the results down, Ed turned away to quickly pull his shirt back on. When he looked back at Envy, the latter smirked, making him blush even harder.

Next the nurse stepped toward the measuring stick with an expectant glance in Ed's direction.

Ed blanched at the unspoken request.

"Hell, no," he said, stepping away from her.

The nurse sighed. "Mr Elric—"

"No way! You can't make me!"

She went on as though she hadn't heard him. "It will only take a moment; if you could please just stand over here with your ankles up against the wall . . ."

But Ed wasn't listening; he was too busy shaking his head furiously. "Uh-uh."

Another exasperated sigh. "Mr Elric—"

But before she could finish her thought, Envy turned his chibi toward him, claiming his lips before a word of protest could escape him. There was a surprised cry, and, for a second, Ed tried to fight it—but seemed to realize that letting Envy be his usual horny self would probably stall his fate. So, instead of pushing him away, he kissed back eagerly, attacking the hot mouth against his furiously.

Waiting for a moment until he was positive that the younger boy was too far gone to notice, Envy pushed him back, slamming him against the wall and pushing even closer to him—making extra sure to aim for the measuring stick that was now nicely positioned right behind Ed. He kicked at the chibi's feet with his own until they were pressed against the wall, slipping his tongue over the pair of lips that were pressed the his so that the owner of said lips wouldn't notice and—now sure that he had accomplished all of the requirements (albeit a bit _extra_) necessary for Ed to be measured—opened his eyes to look sideways at the stunned nurse.

She was standing there, mouth hanging open, eyes wide, blushing. Staring at them. Just . . . staring. And not moving.

Internally rolling his eyes, Envy gave the nurse a meaningful look—as meaningful as you could get with while attacking someone else's face, with their hands in your hair and your own up their shirt—before flicking his violet orbs toward Ed and back to her again. _Now, while he's still distracted._

Miraculously, she seemed to understand, and quickly scurried over to the pair—blush intensifying—so that she could take the alchemist's measurements. As soon as she was finished, she ducked her head and turned away, scribbling the results down.

While she did that, Envy pulled away from his lip-lock, both him and Ed panting heavily from the heat of the kiss.

"Now that wasn't so bad, was it?" Envy managed between pants, struggling to control his breathing.

Ed frowned for a moment, confused, before realization struck him and he stiffened. With a glance behind him and at the nurse—who was still blushing a violent red and scribbling things down furiously—blood rushed to his face—both from embarrassment and anger.

"Envy, you damned bastard," he growled, swinging his arm around to punch him not-so-lightly in the gut, but the homunculus easily slipped out of reach before he could land the punch. "I'm never kissing you again!"

Envy snickered at the look on his chibi's face, his snickers turning into full-out laughter when he caught sight of a vein in his forehead that was pulsing his anger.

"Aw, you know you love me, Chibi," he said, fluttering his eyelashes, but he couldn't keep taunting his lover for long before he burst out laughing again.

Ed was about to throw another fit in response to that sentence, but was interrupted by the nurse's still-flaming face as she mumbled something. Envy didn't hear; he was laughing too hard, and he kept laughing as they continued with the examination, ignoring the nasty glares that Ed threw him every now and again.

OMAKE

Al looked up curiously from the book he was reading—having long since returned from the errand he had to run that day—when he heard the front door open and slam closed. He waited for the form of his older brother to stalk into the living room before voicing his confusion.

"Brother, you're home already?" he asked, glancing at Envy as he followed after the shorter boy into the house—curiosity burning at the pit of his stomach when he caught sight of the smirk on said sin's face. "Usually it takes a lot longer for you to"—he cut himself off before he could say 'let them measure you', knowing that his brother would find a way turn it into some king of indirect insult—" . . . finish with the examination."

Ed grumbled something, but all Al could catch was something about a palmtree and asshole.

Al frowned at Envy.

"He rushed them to finish up so that we could play our own game of nurse over here," he said as way of explanation to Al's question, unable to keep his smirk from widening.

There was a frustrated yell coming from the older Elric, before the distinct—_loud_—slam of a door seemed to shake the whole house.

Al raised an eyebrow.

Envy shrugged, before heading off in another direction to do whatever he did in his free time.

After blinking in confusion, Al just shook his head and went back to reading his book.

…

A/N: Originally, I wouldn't have added that last part, but I didn't like how it ended, and I wanted Al to make an appearance—thus, I added the last part. So now we're all happy, ne?

I hope you guys enjoyed this. It was fun to write, especially the short rants, but I'm still a little unsure about the quality. Please tell me if there're any mistakes, and whether Ed and Envy are character or not. Constructive criticism is much appreciated, but please, no flames.


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